Well, these are past unpublished thoughts I had all through 2011…
Publishing them would be worth it because I like reminiscing all of them from here.
Past is Past and there’s no way of gaining it back...
Whatever I wrote here was based on my past actions and feelings…Period
Through All the Pains and Heartaches
It was like nightmare for me! The most agonizing pain, terrible, unbearable, and I did have a hard time getting through with it. Well, I don’t actually know if I already did get over it.
I would be more willing to choose to be wounded physically than killing me softly through heartaches and emotions. The feeling of being broken makes everything so senseless, naïve, and gray. What I always wanted to do during those times was to cry myself to sleep so that even just for a while, I could take a break and relax my never ending rapid heartbeat. However, the crucial part is waking up. Everyday I was given the chance to wake up, but sadly, just to feel all over again the pain yesterday has brought me. I was always out of my mind. I felt like a zombie walking out of nowhere. I worry a lot of what tomorrow brings. And above all, I even got to think of hoping that my life would end so soon so that I could escape myself from the agony which tormented me apart. That’s how throbbing it was! I can’t even concentrate to the things I am working on. During classes, I would just look on an empty wall; make a pretense that I am listening to the teacher discussing right in front of me; withdraw from a group at times; and I also got to a point that I was teary eyed, almost crying inside the classroom. Nevertheless, when I’m asked a question about class discussion I am still able to answer and comprehend the lesson no matter what I was going through that moment. My classmates and friends don’t know anything about my situation. I always just want it to be secluded and only I know what’s going on with me. I just don’t like it when people know and look at me as if I am the poorest, most unfortunate person in the world just because I’m going through something emotionally distressing. Wherever I go, whatever I do, I just can’t help myself thinking about the happening. Helpless can be the word that could describe me that time. I searched all over the internet on how to move on and let go. I even asked a few of my friends in a manner that they would not suspect me to be the person who was going through it. I have tried anything of those advices: it helped me quite a little but still it didn’t eradicate everything. As days gone by, the pain was still there and it keeps on haunting me wherever I go. It seemed like a ghost, a ghost of my past, which was creeping me out. However, I also learned that to be able to move on, all I have to do is to ACCEPT things from happening the way it should be. Accept that something has been put to an end and hope that there will be time that pains and heartaches will be vanished. It took me some time to accept and let go of things that weren’t suppose to be mine. It was hard, really! But thank God, I was able to get through it. Although I know deep inside me that it was not totally over but for sure I’m not going to feel the throbbing pain all over again.
I’ve been more cautious now. I trust someone instantaneously that’s why sometimes I ended up being betrayed. However, I would still continue to trust anybody because I still believe that not all people are the same. I am just geared up of what possibility could happen so that the pain will not be that aching. For the record, I will not just put my entire trust and comfort to people because they are limited. I’ll trust God and His ways because He has better plans than mine and His love for me is unlimited: 525600 minutes, 8760 hours, and 365 days, through all the years. Or through all the years, 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days, 24 hours in a day, 60 minutes in an hour, and every 60 seconds in a minute.
Take a Look Back
I thought before I will not be having a good life after he’s gone but now I have proven that notion wrong. As I look back at my old self I realized how distressed I was before. Thank God! I was able to recover from all those things. Whenever I look back at those old days I tend to shiver and would have Goosebumps all over my body. I would recall and ask my self, “What had gone wrong in me that time?” “Am I out of my mind that very moment?” “Am I being possessed by some other insane spirit?” Funny yet make sense. In times when we are being driven by our emotion, we could not really sense what is going on around us or what is actually happening to us. What we are mindful about is the excruciating feeling that is vexing in us, that very emotion that keeps us awake the whole night no matter how hard we try to close our eyes. I believe everybody who has gone through loving somebody also experiences an excruciating part of that phenomenon. When we love, expect that pain is just right behind us. When we start to entertain that tender feeling, it’s like melting us! It’s wonderful, but then, we should have to be vigilant because the counterpart of the marvelous feeling could be the most heartbreaking pain you could have ever experience in your entire existence.
Sadness of Reminiscent
Whenever I reminisce those happy moments of the two of us, what I always have in mind is regret and dismay Tears still came falling as if everything is still fresh and new. I still have sleepless nights when I come to think about you and about us. My heart still beat as loud as if it’s my first time to know love... God knows how much I wanted to come back into your arms again and continue the love we have that has been interrupted by some certain situations. However, even how much I am eager to, I just can’t anymore. Somehow, the bad memories also kept on trembling me and made me scared to death of going back again. I am even afraid to give my full love to anybody. But then I still have to try because it would be unfair for me. Acceptance of things happening has always been what I am doing now. In a way, that makes me feel better about having this kind of situation wherein I don’t know whether to follow my heart or the other way around. I don’t want to feel the pain that has long before I want to get rid of. It feels like killing me. Yet, at the back of my mind I know there’s still a tiny chance of hope that I still want to try. We don’t know what future brings. If you’re love is true enough, then show it. When you have that sincerest heart and intention then prove to me. If you have been changed for good, live with it and I may come back to you. That is, if you want to… No pressures let everything be in the real side. In that way, it would be easier for the both of us to accept things and continue living.
Give Me a Piece of Understanding, Please???
Sometimes I feel like wanting to give up but I know shouldn’t. There are still many people who look up to me hoping that I could be the answer to their long before questions and /or wishes. However, is it right to live just for the sake of granting somebody’s expectations? Can I live for myself? Can I go out from my own shell and do whatever I want to do with my life? Elders especially our parents deserve to be honored and respected but I am doing that yet why do I have to get the opposite of what I give? I’m not giving a bad impression to my parents here but what I am feeling now is the excruciating truth that I am sad because of them. If I could live my own life and decide for my self on how to run it, I assure you that I will run it for good. Maybe people will say that my behavior is only due to my being a teenager. We’re known to be rapid, vain, rush, direct, abrupt, and impulsive. Yet, these characteristics are what make us stand out from the rest.
I'm Getting There, Almost...
The feeling that I get when I’m with him makes me feel like I’m one person and feels no difference at all. Maybe because we’ve known each other for years already and we get to know each other deeper. I just feel comfortable when I’m with him. I think no one could ever define what it is about us. But no matter what it is, it’s the both of us who know. At first, it was seemingly perfect. We were like love birds, prince charming and princess, a man and a maiden so sweet that no matter how far they could be, they still got to find ways to bond with each other. Yet, as the time goes by, everything went upside down. The almost perfect couple turned out to be a stranger towards each other. We appear like we’re in a competition of ignoring one another and the first one who will speak up, loses. Before, I consider him as a dream come true, but when everything went wrong, and what he gave me was misery, regret, and dismay, I reckoned him as the worse nightmare I ever had in my entire life. The pain was very excruciating! I’m in a total agony that moment and all I have is my God. I was physically alone during my distressed moments. I didn’t have the courage to let somebody know that I’m in a state of changing mind and heart, that I’m depressed, that I’m heartbroken, and that I’m moving on. This is to prevent some people to become very intrigued about my life and how I am going to cope with it. I bear it my own. I didn’t ask for anybody’s consolidations because I know that what they have gone through is different from mine. Those awful moments of my life, however, gave me the reason that there is always that one person out there who is more deserving and rightfully to be called as my one true love. Nevertheless, he’s still not found yet, or, maybe I’ve found him already, it’s just a matter of time that would bring us to get to know each other and realize that we could be together forever. I don’t know. I just want God to be the driver of my life. God is my Father and I want to be a good and obedient daughter to my Father, that’s why I want Him to choose because I know, He already knows what and who’s the best for me.
For now, I still might have not passed the test of forgetting that someone and annihilating him in my heart. But I’m pretty sure that there would come a day that I will be more than willing to see this person, not because I still got the feelings, but because I have to. We have to be friends, though not that super acquainted with each other, but at least to value what we had and to keep the grudges away. That would be soon, in next to no time…